S&W Count: 5,129

My own personal FebNoWriMo is officially underway. Of course, it isn’t technically FEBRUARY novel writing month, as I’m starting my 30 days on January 26 and ending on February 24 (for Miracle Day reasons, of course). Anyway, I’m kind of slightly behind. Still. Less than one day behind, though, so it could be a lot worse.

I don’t know. I guess I’m on the equivalent of chapter 2, though I’m not calling them chapters in this. (I’m dividing everything up by the hour, which seems fitting, given that everything’s supposed to happen over the course of something that approximates a day. But probably only 18 or 19 hours.) God. I’m too tired to explain this properly. And that has basically nothing to do with writing. My life is just. God. I don’t even want to talk about it. But I’m really busy and just. Gah.

I guess I’m having one of those overly hormonal crisis of confidence days when everything I write seems absolutely terrible to me. I recognize that I am, realistically, being too hard on myself. But it all seems like complete and total scheiße at the moment.

Take Alex Swift, the biromantic asexual whose characterization I have officially screwed up. In the space of about 2000 words. She isn’t supposed to be so coy. It isn’t working. And I’m not happy with what I’m writing.

I’m never happy with my writing anymore, and I really don’t know what to do. I try. I try so hard. Well, maybe I don’t try that hard, but I’ve been doing this for a long time. Almost five years. So very close to five years. A quarter of my life. And that’s only novels. I’m not counting the years I spent writing stories before that. But novels. Almost five years. Nine and a half novels. Well. Nine and three quarters, if you count AtGoh. Over half a million words of novel. And I still suck. I can’t characterize consistently. My characters feel emotion too strongly. I still can’t plot properly.

Tessellate Count: 61,737 and DONE.

Less than ten minutes ago, I finished Tessellate. I wrote about 4,000 words today, between writing the second half of Chapter 17 and all of Chapter 18. For some reason, the Tess/Leah conversation in 17 went really well and the Tess/MJ conversation in 18 was near impossible. For that reason, 18 is a bit under  on length (2.5k, I think), but I figure that’s okay, given how many chapters are over 4k.

I wasn’t really feeling excited enough earlier this evening (because I’m sleep deprived and still fighting off a persistent cold), so I started thinking about the eight other nights (or mornings, but never afternoons) that I’ve finished novels. And I decided to play at nostalgia and put on the Matt Nathanson song I remember dancing to an hour or so before I finished The Calmness of Martyrs. Surprisingly, it got me dancing around, like I did as a hyper sleep-deprived 16 year-old. It worked, until I ran out of energy. (God, I am so out of it.)

I don’t really know what to say. Except that this is number NINE, which seems really unbelievable, given that I haven’t even been doing this for five years. Actually, the five year anniversary of the completion date of my first, The Fallen Caryatid, is in less than a month. February 24, aka, the Miracle Day (and I don’t mean Torchwood). I’d kind of love to finish another novel by then. Because ten in five seems awesome. But I don’t know if it’s worth trying to kill myself over or not. And then the question that arises is s&w or NG… or something else entirely.

Anyway. It’s kind of a shame that I’m going to waste the novel-ending high by going to sleep. But at the same time, I need the sleep, so I’m just going to hope that the high persists through tomorrow. Or later today. Or whatever.

“The love that dare not speak its name,” Tess replies, the laughter shining in her voice, “because it isn’t supposed to exist. Silly high school romances. Fairytale loves. The days that make you want to talk about soul mates and forever and never apart. Is it real? Is this what it’s like?”

Tessellate Count: 51,907

I’m absurdly busy being an honors student at an ivy league university at the moment, so I can’t write too much here tonight. There are, however, two things I want to say.

First. I’ve just finished Chapter 15. According to the revised plan, this places me approximately 10k from the end of the novel. Just three more theoretically 3k chapters (which really means at least 3.3k apiece). Then, I’ll have finished my ninth novel, also known as the epic mistake in non-genre contemporary fic that is WAY too personal. I’m never going to make that combination of mistakes ever again. Basically, if I can finish this in the next week, I’ll be very, very happy. Then I can move onto better things (such as s&w) or at least things that result in money (such as NG).

Second. I actually did figure out what the major problem is with Tessellate. (Possibly, this is my problem with non-genre contemporary fic as a genre.) Nothing really happens. It’s just a series of conversations. People talk about their feelings or things that happened in the past or crap that’s going on offscreen. But the most exciting things to actually happen are panic attacks (which is kind of pathetic). No one’s chasing criminals or running off to join secret resistance movements or assassinating the president with a travelling shovel of death. No, they just go to various coffee shops / couches / depressing corners and listen to their iPods and sip their drinks oh so delicately  and talk. (My characters sound like hipsters now, don’t they?) Oh god. It’s clear, isn’t it, that I’m not just talking about fiction, isn’t it? I’m talking about life.

And I’m (just so fucking) bored.

Tessellate: 46,856

Guys. I have really big news. I mean, maybe for some people something like this wouldn’t be super amazing news. But for me it is.

It has nothing to do with Tessellate, though I have started writing the Great Reveal portion of chapter 14. It’s kind of going slowly, but that’s necessary, given that it’s the most important scene in the entire novel. But like I said, this news has nothing to do with that.

No, this news has to do with the fact that a short story of mine has been accepted. For publication. In an anthology. Not going to give any more details than that. But seriously. I got the email less than an hour ago. And I’m still over the moon.

I don’t really have anything else to say.

Tessellate Count: 45,286

I finished Chapter 13 earlier this afternoon, and I’ve written over a third of Chapter 14. At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m going to cut at least two chapters from my original outline, which would move the total estimated word count from 60k to 54k. However, chapters have been running over, which means the really estimated word count should actually be about 61k. Kind of funny.

I don’t have a whole lot to say meta-wise. Except that I really, really love the first third of Chapter 14. The second two thirds might be much, much harder to write. Well. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.

Anyway, I’m feeling generous, so here’s an excerpt (of the plot twist at the end of Chapter 13.)

It isn’t long before they hear footsteps on the stairs.

“Oh, here she is,” Aspen is saying, smiling broadly as he looks at the figure coming down the staircase, which is just visible from the arc of seating in the living room.

They all turn, expectantly, to follow his gaze.

The girl looks to be about eighteen or nineteen. She’s of average height and Asian descent. Her damp black hair hangs loosely around her face. Her eyes are dark brown, brooding, almost black. She’s wearing jeans and a plain white t-shirt. She’s unforgettable.

Time stops, and Tess forgets how to breathe.

“Maggie, Tess,” Aspen continues, “I’d like to introduce you to my girlfriend—”

“Leah Zhang,” Tess finishes.

Oh god, I have a problem.

I started a new novel. I have three in the works (Tess, NG, and TTC), and here I am with the beginnings of a new novel, whose catchy codephrase shall be S&W. I’ve spent the last two hours designing random covers and posters and stuff for it.

Not to mention the fact that I started writing the prologue. I have character names. Ideas of what they look like. And fairly solid grasps of their personalities. (For the main three, at least.) And a shadow of a plot, considering I’m planning adapting the 2020/Amok project into something more awesome. Oh, and did I mention I have a catchphrase, too? (See the wallpaper I made for myself, below.)

Needless to say, this really isn’t good.

Tessellate Count: 40,914

I don’t have a lot to say tonight, just that I think I’m finally getting back into the groove. (God, that sounds absurd. But it’s accurate.) I wrote approximately 3,500 words today, which might be my highest word day of 2012, so far. (Depressing, I know.)

Anyway. Both Chapters 11 and 12 are done. Only eight to go.

I’ve decided to go with the dark plot twist I was considering. It’s the only thing motivating me to finish this damn novel.

Because this seems dreadfully short… here’s an excerpt from the chapter:

You can’t keep doing this anymore, she thinks to herself. She’s sitting alone, on the floor, in the corner where she always sits. She’s listening to Mumford & Sons, blasting the music as loudly as she can, and it still isn’t loud enough. She can hear everything, too loudly.

(But it was not your fault but mine.)

All the lies she tells herself—that it was Leah’s fault, that Leah didn’t love her, that things were never right between them—she can’t deny that they’re lies. Because if she really thinks about it, she sees the truth, so dark, so bright, so dazzling, so blinding. Things could have been right between them. Leah loved her. It wasn’t Leah’s fault.

(And it was your heart on the line.)    

It was Tess’s fault, through and through. And if she hadn’t had unrealistic expectations, if she hadn’t asked for too much, if she hadn’t tried to make them something they weren’t, then maybe, maybe—

(I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I, my dear?)

Maybe that sunny afternoon would have turned out differently.

Tessellate Count: 35,663

I am resisting the urge to talk about my life. There are things to be said, but I don’t want to say them. So don’t ask.

I’m working on Ch 11 of Tessellate. It’s a little past 2000 words at the moment, but although I have the rest of the chapter planned out, there’s more than 1000 words left to write. At this rate, this novel is never going to end. Bleh.

I’ve basically decided that something drastic needs to happen in terms of the plot. It’s just… it was getting boring, and of course, if I’m bored by the plot, then no doubt my readers will be as well. Are, judging by the number of reviews. I mean, I guess I’m starting to make a different point than I intended. Which is, no matter how lovely love is, it isn’t redemptive. It won’t save you. (Sorry, Dostoevsky, but no one is renewed by love.) As the title of this post says, nothing will be undone, but nothing will be right. Except maybe it should be, nothing will be undone, and nothing will be right.

I’m bored. I’m tired. I think it’s time to give up and go to sleep.

Tessellate Count: 33,577

Album of the Week: The Big Roar (The Joy Formidable)

I finally finished Tess Ch 10 today. It’s nearly 4000 words, which is kind of ridiculous. But it includes smut. Poorly written smut, but oh fucking well. Actually, it’s the only time I’ve ever attempted to write oral. It’s really a glossed over sex scene though. All of the build up, and only glittering generalities for the explicit parts. Basically, I can’t write like POTL anymore. (Actually, that’s really true of everything. POTL is just written so much better than anything else I’ve worked on… before or after.)

So, yeah. I’ve also written a little bit of NG in the past few days. Basically, both novels are halfway done. More or less exactly halfway for both of them. (Slightly past halfway on NG, but only by 1 or 2 k.) So, it’s difficult. Because writing NG is unpleasant, but writing Tess is kind of awkward at this point, too. I’m having issues writing about… college life. It seems so boring. But I want to finish both of these. I feel like I’m never going to go back to GL, and I’m not sure if I will or won’t go back to TTC. It’s difficult to say.

I don’t know. I’m sick of reality. I want to write something supernatural or paranormal or science fictiony. Or, at the very least, I want to write a surrealist adventure in contemporary times (like POTL, cough, cough).

What’s that phrase California uses? Gritty and pure and real but never happy? That. I want to write something like that.

Happy 2012, everyone!

All I really want to say is that I revamped the website tonight. Shiny, isn’t it? I really like the simplicity of the new theme. The previous layout was just too… rainbow-cluttered. This is cleaner. I also redid the cover collage on the Home page (new covers, consistent pseudonym usage, general prettiness) and made my Bio considerably less pretentious. (I’m only a minor prick, not a major one, these days.)

Otherwise, I really don’t have much to report. My 48-hour noveling marathon was an epic fail. I wrote 12k in about 12 hours, and then I gave up. But I do have 12k of a random novel, I guess? And a new record for the most I have ever written in one day. (It was difficult. And will probably never happen again.)

Basically, I’ve been working on Tess and NG simultaneously, and neither is really getting anywhere. I’m trying. Really. Chapter 10 of Tess is over 3000 words, but there’s one scene left to write/finish and of course it’s the one type of scene I have the most trouble writing. (So I don’t know when on earth it is going to get finished.) So, yeah.

I’m including the new covers I designed here, because I’m rather proud of… one of them. (Guess which.)